1000 Awful Things

The first post to this site takes on an issue close to my heart — not holding the elevator.  I like to call this elevatoriasis, which is close to elephantiasis, except that instead of one’s legs and genitals swelling (sometimes) to the size of certain sporting equipment items, one’s ego enlarges until the sole purpose of the perpetrator’s life at this instant is to do whatever he/she can to make sure you do not get on his/her elevator.

There are various degrees of this disorder ranging from the innocent “oops, I didn’t see you coming” to “I don’t care if your bladder is about to rupture, if I don’t get up to my place in less than a minute Maury’s going to start; and you don’t want to deal with me after I’ve missed Maury.”  So here is a generalization of a typical progression of the disease.

1. Apologizing while the door closes. The initial onset of this syndrome typically starts with innocently missing a person coming towards the elevator and ends with a trailing apology to this person as the elevator doors come to a close.  I’m not sure whether this is a foreshadowing of bigger problems in the future, but all in the throws of this illness can certainly remember the first time they left some one stranded, waiting for the next ride upstairs.
2. Acting oblivious to everything.  This involves tuning out all one’s surroundings (or pretending to) and acting like there isn’t someone stumbling through the foyer carrying seven bags, pleading for you to hold on just one second.  This is usually the first sign there’s a problem.
3. Faux-distractions.  Many people are familiar with this technique in other venues, but in this context, faux-distractions involve pulling out a favorite electronic device (like your demon iphone) and pretending like your are taking care of business (TCOB); because when one’s in the TCOB-zone, clearly there isn’t time to wait for another.  This usually involves checking email or texts, but can extend to pretending to talk on the phone or even putting on a puzzled face, acting like the phone is broken.
4. Outright harassment.  The second-to-last stage of this ailment takes the patient to point where he/she feels the need to antagonize the person trying to get on the elevator, saying things such as “maybe if you’re Mom loved you, you could get on this elevator” or “perhaps if you spent less time at the Dunkin Donuts and more time at the gym, you could have dragged your fat ass over here faster.”  This usually involves continued rants until the elevator rider arrives at his/her destination and sometimes ends with self-high fives and texts to his bros about how he just tooled this guy.
5. Getting physical.  This is more than just a kickass song by Olivia Newton-John, it marks the final stage in a chronic illness that involves physical preventing another person from entering your elevator.  It matters not whether the person is some 16 year-old kid with his pants half-way down his legs or an elderly woman with a walker, this person will do anything to keep his/her solo ride.  Like many disorders, there is no explanation for this behavior, but if you find yourself applying an arm bar to an 80 year-old ex- 3rd grade teacher, SEEK HELP!